will i ever learn to love my self?

will i ever learn to love my self?

i was told once that you cant love someone else until you learn to love yourself. i wonder if im ever going to learn to love my self. yes i love bits and parts of myself. but i dont love everything about my self.
i hate:
~the mole on my cheek
~my cubby chin
~my stomach
~how i talk
~my lisp
~my feet
~my legs

but i love:
~my singing voice
~my music
~my hair
~my eyes

there isnt much to love when you get told that you are ugly and are worthless. people never understood the pain a girl goes through. we have to deal with so much more pain then people realise. girls dont get in to fist fights like guys we just do emotional damage. and sometimes thats all it takes to drive a person over the edge.

this is my second post today because i am avoding school work and trying to make my self feel beautiful. this picture is from yestuday. and it felt amazing. i curled myy hair and did my make up later that night and took some selfies. i felt amazing and now i feel terriable.
its amazing how one minute you can feel perfect amazing on top of the world then the next you can feel worse the garbage. this world isnt like it use to be. i want to go back to kindergarden where it was “hi your nice wanna be friends” and then run off and play where everyone was accpeted regardless of race gender or anything else. no one cared if you had an i phone or no phone. life was amazing. we only cared if you were nice. there was no dramma. it was just go outside, play, be happy. and now its not. its hair and make up and boys and dating.

i need to getaway.



somedays i ask why am i alone? do they even care? why cant i just be like them? then i ask the most important question ever. why do i even care?
i didnt care before. if i had one friend i was happy and now i have no one. its like someone gave me a puppy and i loved that puppy very much then one day. that puppy was taken by the same person. and now im all alone
people didnt care what you were wwhen they were younger. it only matters now. if you dont have the iphone or if ur clothing isnt the best brand name you cant be popular. theres something wrong with you. somedays i wish i could just go back in time when people just wanted you to be happy.

theres a girl on my bus. her teeth are discusting. they go every way and are missing. she always looks messy and her hair is frizzy. i dont like her. not because of how she looks but the way she acts. she never listens and she is really rude. she depands everything and takes what she has for grantted. she picks on people all the time. most times i would just become a bitch and tell her off but with this girl i cant. she is only 6. she crys and throws fits all the time. i made her “cry” once because they were picking on the 9 year old i babysit. she had spilled pudding by accented on a kids 80$. that he wore to school. knowing that they were gonna get dirty. she had said sorry a million times and cleaned off his shoes the best she could. later that day on the bus they were saying that she did it on purpose and that she could have cleaned it better. when i heard this i just about freaked out. i asked her what happened and she told me and the boy his female friend and this little girl all kept saying she did it on purpose and she didnt clean it enough. i steped in. i said i know her and she wouldnt do it and they were bullying her. they were saying they werent and then i told them that she was getting upset. i could see the tears in her eyes. they said she wasnt i said she was and she nodded. then the bus driver stepped in and said that he would turn the bus around if this didnt end. the whole time i was thinking go right ahead. i didnt do anything wrong. i was protecting my friend from bullying. he didnt but i would have loved to. that would have made me smile.

and now as i write this i am alone in the library with no one around. i dont like being alone it puts ideas in my head some of them scare me. i need someone to be with me once in a while.

I am scared to death of death

I am scared to death of death

is there an after life? after we die is it just the end? no weird things that could prove there is something after this. i like to believe there is an after life. but the truth is im too scared to die. i want to know something, anything. that after i die i can see my family again. i dont want this life to be over



parents dont get it. we rebel because we feel the need. if you have a younger brother or sister and they something bad, well then your fucked. your parents automaticaly assume they learned it from you. i woke up feeling a little sick this morning and my parents assumed that it was because i was up late on my computer. truth was i was just feeling sick. i threw up again at school but pushed through. parents dont get that though. my sister stayed up late on her computer and they are telling me that at night my computer has to come out at night. because she messed up and now i have to pay for it. this picture was taken sunday. i edited it today. i was happy then my parents came home and didnt even say hi. they just started complaining about the dishes not being done. sometimes i wish i was living on my own. but then they do nice things for me and i dont. parents dont understand how we feel. yes they were teens to but not now. sometimes they just think that we did what we did for fun. but our acts of anger and hate are rewarded more then our acts of love. in other words when we do bad we get attention when we do good we dont get as much. why?